I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you inspire me to be a worse person
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
