I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
