All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
