I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
