i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He? As in you personified your dick?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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