I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
