one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My dick has a subreddit
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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