im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
