Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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