Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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