He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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