She's JV to your varsity
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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