After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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