i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You pole danced in your parka.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
