The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
