and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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