i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
