i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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