I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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