We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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