someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
