im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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