Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
