if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
