So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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