It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
