your parents love me but you hate me
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
