Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
