Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
