i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
