I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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