A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Bring me that man meat
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
