im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
