I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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