I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He passed out mid-signature
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Randomize
