I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
