I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
