i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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