This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
