it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
