I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
