Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
