Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
