Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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