I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
