I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
im six kinds of drunk right now
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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