Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
