Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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