I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
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