you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
