i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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