Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
