I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
