just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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