If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
