I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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