No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
