I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
