My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
