I hate all girls vehemently.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
