Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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